No Brain Surgery
David L Arment
(Note to Reader: The names have been changed in this story to protect the innocent. So when you see “Dr. Liu” you should know that the person’s real name is not “Liu”, instead it is something else. However I did not change my name. When I say I or me, then I mean I or me.)
(Second Note to Reader: In the following story there are two narratives at work at the same time. The first is what is being said to Dr. Liu and the other is what I’m thinking when not talking to Dr Liu. The first is in normal type and the second is italicized and bold.)
I went to see Dr. Liu. She is a neurologist. I need a neurologist because a cardiologist called into question the proper functioning of my brain. (Imagine that!)
As soon as Dr. Liu came into the little consulting room I told her that my problem is that there are too many brains in my cranium. This of course causes headaches as all those brains are crowded in one place and complain to one another about the cramped conditions.
There is no higher power for them to appeal to, no arbiter of who should occupy what space, or who should get to have the best spot in the cranium; which I guess that would be near the eyes because the view would be better. This commotion, the endless arguing and yelling and general upheaval, causes headaches. The French often say at the end of a declaration of fact such as this , “it is clear” (est clair); meaning “of course”, “there can be no doubt”, or “it is self-evident”
I didn’t say what the French do… I just kept talking.
I’ve never met Dr. Liu, but and so, she needs to know this. I need to tell her quickly and “up front” so as to not waste her valuable time or my not so valuable time. I want to be helpful. She needs to know.
I told her the headaches were not really that bad. The cardiologist caught me on a bad day. “Yes” I did have a headache and “yes” my blood pressure was that of a large elephant after being chased by a pack of wild wolves (or are they chased by leopards or lions… maybe it isn’t wolves?). I guess it doesn’t matter. The point is my blood pressure was very high and I had a headache.
Why should she waste her time on me when I can simply tell her the problem and we can both be on our way to more important things, like lunch?
I told her that many of my friends think I have too many brains. That maybe we should have a brain transplant where I, being still alive, would contribute, some overage of my massive brain mass, to some less fortunate person who is needy and in need. They could benefit from my situation of having too many brains that cause headaches. It would be one of those rare “win / win” situations. Fewer headaches for me, more brains for them. But – just to be clear – at the conclusion of this humanistic endeavor I would still be alive. I of course want to be alive to accept my Nobel Prize for Humanitarianism. And if there is no such prize they will create one “post haste” given my big contribution to Humanitarianism.
Dr. Liu needs to know this. Maybe she does not do brain surgery. I dunno. But as she is in the “brain business” so to speak she surely knows someone who does brain surgery.
Yes of course I would want to pick out the person who would receive my brain, I told her. I do know some people who live “out of State” who sure could use some more brains, but given their ineptness at using the brains they now have, it would be like throwing “pearls before swine” to give them more. Plus since they don’t like me then they wouldn’t likely even mutter “thank you”. So instead the person who would receive the brain transplant / transfer needs to be someone who DOES like me and whom will be able to testify to the Noble Humanitarianism Prize Committee (the NHPC if there is such a thing) that I’m a fantastic humanitarian.
I’m noticing that Dr. Liu does not seem too interested in what I’m saying. This is good stuff. What is wrong with her? What is that look on her face? I don’t know what that look means?
And I know a lot of people who DO like me who could use some more brains. So really there is no problem finding someone, except they may not want their skull cracked open. Other than that people should be lining up around the block.
“What do you think?”, I asked.
“I do not understand what say you”, She said. “You talk very fast, and I don’t understand what say you”.
So after some further discussion it was determined that Dr Liu is recently arrived to the United States from China. English is not her “first language”. She apparently has only a limited vocabulary aimed at the narrow topic of neurology.
“I no understand what say you. No do brain transplant.”
So the Nobel Prize is off.
The brain surgery is off.
But if you remain interested and have a loved on in mind who could use extra brains, I’m thinking about “dumping” Dr. Liu for someone who understands English and has a degree from somewhere other than the “China School of Medical Arts and Taxidermy Science”.
©David L Arment