There is an elf at the North Pole who is subject to bribery.
I can’t tell you his name because if the word got out then my scheme would evaporate. As it is now, I can call this Elf up every year and get him to tell me what I’m getting for Christmas.
I can’t tell you his name, but for the purposes of this information that I’m about to impart to you let’s just call him Elmer. Now that isn’t his real name, mind you. I can’t reveal his real name so I had to think a long time to come up with Elmer. So don’t call the North Pole and ask for Elmer 'cause you will just confuse everyone.
I called Elmer up in October and asked him what I’m getting for Christmas. He looked the “nice” list first, “hoping against hope” (what a weird idiom) to see my name on the good list. But alas and alack, (alack, what a weird word… or is that even a word), my name wasn’t there.
So I said to Ralph, I mean Elmer. What do I have to do to get on the nice list? Do I have enough time to change my behavior and get put on that list.
He said he wouldn’t know until he found where I was on the “naughty” list. So he looked. Apparently he started at the top or the list. Those whose names are near the top are borderline. Those folks could jump over onto the nice list if they just say please and thank you a few more times or avoid or pick their nose at the table while others are eating. At least that’s the impression I got.
Anyway, my name wasn’t near the top of the list. Several minutes later, Ralph, I mean Elmer, found my name. I was apparently waaaaaay down on the list, and he said no way in heck (I wanted to write Hell, there but that might offend someone and push me future down the list)… anyway… no way in heck was there any amount of doing good things like chewing with your mouth closed or taking a bath monthly would change anything.
It’s almost like - what’s the use in trying.
Every year I call Ralph, I mean Elmer, and he tells me — coal. Coal since 2001. Every year, I get coal. Everyone else gets things they ask for.
Me, I get coal.
So, knowing Ralph, I mean Elmer, is subject to bribery I tried to get my name onto the "nice" list. But bribery didn't work.
But blackmail did work. I know Santa’s cell phone number and I told Ralph, I mean Elmer, that I was going to call Santa and tell him about our little arrangement.
So I blackmailed Elmer and got put on the “nice list”.
I asked for a tranquilizer gun. And darts. One is of little use without the other.
Ralph, I mean Elmer, asked if I was going “Big Game Hunting” and what sorta’ dart did I want. Something to put down a Rhino or an Elephant? ... or what.
Of course I’m not going “Big Game Hunting”. I just need darts big enough to put down people who annoy me. This likely means you, ‘cause everyone annoys me. And you are a part of everyone.
If you tell me not to blow my nose in church in the hymnal that annoys me.
If you cut me off in traffic, that annoys me.
If you tell me that I have cheese on my chin from lunch and maybe I would like to wipe it off, that annoys me.
I once “passed gas” on an elevator in a big building. Some of the people on there, rode with me several floors. Those still conscious would have been tranquilized because their incessant gagging and theatrics annoyed me. Those who had lost consciousness would have been spared, unless of course they were faking to avoid my wrath. The faker people would have been tranquilized also.
I thought about maybe hiring out and doing tranquilization for other people. A tranquilizer “hit man”. You know, like if you had people around you that annoyed you I’d come over to your house and tranquilize them. There would be a fee involved. Of course you would run the risk of annoying me and get tranquilized yourself.
And of course there is the prank tranquilizing. And that can’t be avoided.
You know about prank tranquilizing of course. It’s obvious and needs no explanation. The term along "gives it away". But just to be completely through I’ll explain anyway.
So a particular person may not annoy you to the point of needing to be tranquilized, but wouldn’t it be fun to “put them under” long enough to put underwear on the outside of their clothes and then put them on the bus or subway so when they wake up they are totally embarrassed. I think this is a really good idea. However, for me, it won’t work because here in rural Indiana we don’t have public transportation buses, or subways, or really anything.
So there’s that.
A plan that needs some work, but is good in theory. Like pot hole repair.
Maybe I did some “thinking out loud” while talking to Ralph, I mean Elmer. Recounting some of the possibilities of tranquilizing people that annoy me or just for the fun of it. And he got a little skittish about the whole thing.
I got the impression that he didn’t think I should own a tranquilizer gun. That annoyed me. It got under my skin. It got my panties in a bunch. It got me hot under the collar… and Ralph, I mean Elmer, may have gotten the impression that I might tranquilize him.
So he said he was going to go see Santa, admit to the whole scheme we’d been running for years and my chances at a tranquilizer gun were, kaput. Finished. Over. Gone. Fat Chance. No way in hell. Forget it.
So now all of you who are reading this are safe. Most all of you have annoyed me at one time or the other and / or I’ve wondered about putting you on the subway with underwear outside of your street clothes.
You have Ralph, I mean Elmer, to thank for your salvation from the tranquilizer dart.
©David L Arment
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